change of mind

The forbidden tree in paradise is just a paradox to me just like the doughnut hole. an empty hole, empty, nothingness, nothing rendered edible. I have decided that namimg something that is not there doesnt translate into being.
Take that one thing you have been chasing. that one person you so much wanted to be a part of but he/she doesnt want you in their life. you ask, do i keep holding on to it, to nothingness or should i bless him/her for not being part of my life and wish whoever all the best in his/her life?

There is no paradise without a forbidden tree just like there is no doughnut without a doughnut hole and this I understand but it is a new year and as much as we all or I would like to create s little heaven on earth right here, It might be that time to stop making an effort and let someone else do it for me.
Time to make resolutions and hope they stick and doing so, maybe i will realise whatever happens was meant that way.

My resolution list for 2011 reads as follows:
1. Concentrate on people who want me in their lives
2. Live one day at a time
3. Get driving lessons and finally a drivers licence
4. No procrastinating
5. Look for a career that best suits me and/or work towards entrepreneurship
6. Give to the needy and pray for the greedy
7. Love all with an open and pure heart and work on transforming my indifference towards any person into love (this is what my idea of peace is)

You must admit that this is the most stupid list you have ever seen but you should have seen some that i have written in the past that included becoming a nun, getting sponsorship and going to study in oxford. I even thought of going with only one resolution this year. TO BECOME AND DIE A SPINSTER.

Maybe my crazy ideas have made me not blog in like for ever but isn't it true that if you want to write the truth you should write like no one is ever going to read your work. like by the time anyone does, that-if-anywhere else is the only place you will be otherwise you start excusing yourself. i now see my writing as emerging  like a long scroll of ink from the index finger or my right hand and then my left hand erasing it.

I will now walk out of here and make a vision board and i advice everyone ele to do the same so that it's the first and last thing you see when when you get in or out of bed. the thing you see in your house sp often and cannot be ignored.
I am also letting go of all the controversies in my head  that i held onto in head all through 2010. I had strong belief that Mandela should take little or no credit at all for the little transformation he is said to have brought in S.A. My theory, Winnie did all the work so why is she not getting the credit she deserves?! Another would be that there are men trying to give king mswati some competition in terms of being men whores and even though Tiger Woods is/or was giving him a run for his money, there are people in this country who also think that being a man whore is attractive. IT'S NOT. Even though it sounds good to go to a S.A (Sex addicts anonymous) its not impressive so some men should get over themselves and take a chill pill for their egos.

Another, is it just me or did china manufacture a giant to play basketball for them? All that is wrong in the world is made in China but that's just my way of thinking. Not to blow my own horn here but yes, I have interacted with people made in china. The obvious example I should give is that of such men I have met and or dated but men are allowed be stupid some times so my example; A woman I met in Kencal EPZ(I think she needs her own paragraph).   

I have met a lot of stupid people in my life and some include those that think a fly(handsome/beautiful) individuals shouldn't speak swahili coz it brings them down a notch. I am not dealing with this kind of stupid today. The woman in question, someone higher in authority than me and required my respect was indeed a respectable person. intersecting though, she would make it known that she hated Indians. The first time it happened, she turned and said ' I hope you are not Indian.' I am not so I said no. I did not give it much thought tough. It happened again for a second time and she did the same and again, I just thought her memory was maybe poor. It happened a third time and again she turned and asked me the same question. That's when I took time to think about it and  I thought that I wished I was because I have nothing against Indians. If anything, I have a few of them as friends and they are the coolest. Maybe she had  watched too much comedy and thought that that's what you say to sound like an intellectual person when you are not. It happened a fourth and last time and that's when I snapped. I never said anything but boy did i think things. I could imagine myself tell her, 'B***h, if you have something to say to me, just say it. don't  go round pretending you hate Indians and it's me you hate. How about if i told you I hate you and your allergies? hah? Is there something you are not allergic to? Seriously I am tired of your constant snort!!!'

I seriously aren't hating. she was allergic to everything. once, i had tried to shake her hand and she couldn't  but that's cool with me and i understand some things are spewers of germs but she should have been somewhere nursing allergies instead of hating on a race especially after 'slum dog millionaire'  had made on my list of perfect movies.

I am off now to prove tha inscription in the cemetery that reads: 'Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me' stands true. Some might think that it sounds deceptively safer with two; that thou is a slippery character and that every thou they have known has a way of going missing but I, I believe that thou art with me and that's what I will prove this year.

Talk 2 u later:)

All in a day dream...

Been thinking about Love lately as memories fill my mind and I now realize that I have already grown. I’ve been through a lot like having my breath taken away, having my tender heart broken, tears, joy, known who my true friends are, let my hair down on occasions, taken a leap of faith... All of these are bound to happen again and again (at least I hope).

My history doesn’t dictate my future and so I will not be afraid to open the door when love comes knocking again (I’ll just be a bit cautious when I do). Alot has yet to happen and I will be ready when it does. I, for example cannot wait for that time when I have that white dress for that big day, the thought of waking up next to that one person that annoys me so much but I still cannot live without, singing a lullaby or capturing her first step on video, that feeling of sitting on a rocking chair with a grandchild sited on my lap (snap me back to reality any time now).....

The list is endless but when it comes to the future, I thank my past for I now know where and who to run to should my world come crashing down. The one thing everyone should never regret is having loved. I think that that’s the most important thing to seek. Take a look at fairy tales. All but Peter pan end when true love is found. It just didn’t work for Wendy because unlike Mogli, peter pan refused to grow up (that’s why it’s called the peter pan syndrome when a man is 30 years old but behaves like a 10 year old)!

Cinderella had to believe in magic and leave her glass sandal behind

 Snow white I’m sure was dead after eating the apple but for her prince charming, she just had to hold on to dear life.

Sleeping beauty pulled a classic and slept for a hundred years to get her man.

Remember that story told to us when we were growing up? I will tell the story again in case one or two people missed it.

There was a man named Martin (this is a random name as I do not remember his name as told in the story) who lived on the other side of the valley. He was as poor as can be so He prayed to one day know how it felt to not live from hand to mouth. Day after day He prayed...

God decided to answer Martins prayers but since the prayers were not specific (I am for the opinion that if you want a car, it’s not wrong to tell God what make you want. It makes His work even  easier and specifying the colour would be highly appreciated as well), He (God) decided to send LOVE, WEALTH and FAME and gave them only one rule. They had to get to Martins house together so he could chose who to keep.

It was a long way to the valley. Wealth and fame where arguing constantly perhaps due to their age difference so Love walked ahead because he could not tolerate the noise.

Before getting to Martins house, there was a river. Love crossed it and kept walking. When Wealth and Fame got to the river, Wealth told Fame to carry him across because he was old but fame refused and told him that he (wealth) should carry him (fame) instead because he was the youngest. They both decided not to cross the river and sat at the bunk and argued.

Love got to martins gate and waited for wealth and fame for almost an hour but they were nowhere to be seen so he walked back hoping to find them. When he did, he persuaded them to cross the river but they refused so he went offered to carry both of them across. They went to martin’s house and told him why God had sent them.

Martin didn’t know who to keep so He asked his wife and daughter for their opinion.  The wife chose wealth and the daughter chose fame but he still could not make up his mind. He then decided to ask his rich neighbor before making up his mind. The neighbor got so green with envy after he was told that he decided to offer the wrong advice so he told Martin that the smartest thing to do was to keep love. 

He (martin) went back home and against his better judgment, told love to stay.

Wealth and fame left. When they got to the river, they argued over who was fit to carry the other and when they couldn’t agree, they went back to martins house and told him that they had decided to also stay coz love would take care of them both.

Not only did Martin become wealthy and famous, he also had love to complete the equation.

(Just go with the flow even though nothing about love is less than confusing… you fall when you’re standing, win when you’re losing, cry when you’re happy. Everything is a maze and you can’t figure it out when your mind says no but your heart says yes)!

Everyone could learn a thing or two from this story. If you seek wealth and Fame, you should know that these things are not permanent and that they fade away. Love that person not because of how deep his/her pockets are or what material things you think they can give you, but because you know even if all else is lost, In rugs or living in a cardboard box, you will love this person just the same. What I’m trying to say is that you would not only love him/her for richer, but you would love him/her even more for poorer.

So just like in the German fairy tale, I’m waiting for my Knight at the foot of the tower to call out, ‘Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair’ and I will but b4 then, I guess its okay 4 me to kiss a few frogs…

 

Apology letter

Dear caller,

On the 11^th of November 2010, you called my phone using a zain number and inquired about my whereabouts. I told you I was at work (I was at the entrance of bettyz) when you proceeded to tell me to call you when I got to Rongai coz that’s where you were at the time.

What you do not know though is that I did not have your number stored on my phone and did not know who I was talking to at the time.  You sounded like you knew me well so I played along (That you know I live in Rongai was a sure sign that I was talking to no stranger).

I cut you short amidst your conversation and kept telling you to get me a job with KTN!! (I have a friend with a bachelor’s degree, marketing option and I would be so thrilled if she got a job)   The reason I kept telling you that is simple.

I went to Malindi end of last month and there I met Mr. x who works for KTN and was the photographer during the ceremony.  I had given him my number just because he kept asking for it and boy did he keep calling!!!

I thought it was him (Mr. X) on the other end of the line when I picked your call yet I was in no mood to chat with him. Talking about wanting a job was meant to get you to hung up the phone quick (according to my own hypothesis, It’s the nature of the beast to not want to help out others at their time of diversity. In my theory, all you have to do is ask a friend for a favor and you lose them for good).

This started out as an apology. Looks like I got carried away…

I am sorry for not confirming who it was that was calling and letting my imagination run wild. Though I since then cannot trace your number, I sure do hope that you somehow read this letter and forgive me. Please do not find the thought of calling me again in the near future repulsive. Also, could you meet me half way and tell me who you are first when and if you call again? 

Yours faithfully,

Ferideh (call recipient). 

P.S: I could not writing Mr. X’s real name but if you forgive me, I will tell you his name next time you call.

Memories...

    So this is my first blog post ever and I haven't got a clue what I'm doing but I have a feeling it's going to be just fine in the end. This isn't the first time I have repeated this statement to myself though. I remember saying the same thing when a guy I was dating wrote me a letter(this might not be a big deal to most so I will explain).

The letter(I cant remember if it was dated or not) had no address on it and was not signed by the writer!!! When I opened it, my first thought was what series it reminded me of. It finally hit me that this Man(then my boy friend) had watched an episode on how I met your mother and decided to play me the fool. On the episode in question, Bannie(I have no idea if I wrote his name correctly) could write many letters with the same content and give them to every girl he had no intention of dating long term.

back to my letter now. When I opened it, I thought of many things including the fact that He (my now ex-boyfriend) just wanted to scare me into giving up on the relationship. Then there was that He wanted to know how naive I was(looking back, i think I was very naive and maybe he is somewhere gloating cause of how smart he thinks he is). There was however a part of me that actually thought that I was just being paranoid and and that everything was going to be just fine.... That statement again!!! Now I'm thinking, Is me writing a blog gonna end up fine or even great or is it going to be like my past relationship??